As the Lenten season approached, for yet another year, I really had no intentions on “giving up” anything until I attended church the Sunday before Ash Wednesday and then again on Ash Wednesday. Pastor Elwood very casually (but nothing is casual when it comes as a word from God) mentioned social media as an outlet to distance yourself from. And at that point, I really challenged myself to reflect on my social media usage–When I opened my eyes each morning, scrolling through twitter was always first. At the end of my work day, I would spend hours scrolling through to determine what I missed while being at work all day. While I appreciate digital media for my news at warp-speed, I believed I was too fixated on who was viewing my Snapchat story, how many likes did my Instagram photo receive, etc. While I believe social media is important, I could not reminder a time where I was unplugged. So here I am, 16 days into my social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat) sabbatical.
I wrote the above as an introduction to my response to the Digital Leadership Network’s #SocialMediaSoWhite discussion. I offered this very brief explanation for why I decided to give up Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and SnapChat in honor of the Lenten season. But now, at the conclusion of this season, I am encouraged to illuminate and disclose more about this journey and this transformation.
Why give-up social media?
Time:
Time was not a fictitious motivation to abandon social media. It was real, but it wasn’t just about how much time I spent parked outside my apartment unmoved and fixated on my phone. It was about valuing my time. While I believe social media is a great way to keep up with campus climate and higher education related issues and topics, my time at work became much more valuable. Not that anyone is looking over my shoulder every hour of the day, but as a person who is very task oriented, FLSA regulations made me very hyper aware (kinda to a fault) of what I have/need to accomplished each day—how did I make the most of those short 8 hours a day. Time was also about reception. While receiving news at warp-speed has its advantages—more accessibility doesn’t always mean better or more informative. Distancing myself from social media allowed me to slow down and actually process what is typically political and social chaos. Instead of getting the 140-character highlight, I started listening to podcasts. Rather than lingering in confusion at the idiocy of Tr*mp, I am able to receive a more complete picture—an explanation and elaboration of what is/has happened, the implications of the event or decision, and the contextual aspects involving the positive or negative influence of past presidents and political leaders. As an added bonus, I can also listen to podcast and do other things simultaneously.
Authenticity:
In my response to the Digital Leadership Network’s #SocialMediaSoWhite discussion, I disclosed how my relationship formed with one particular student over social media. While I am happy for how that relationship turned out, it also required me to ask myself is the version of Pearson that is displayed online the same in-person? And if I am being honest with myself (and you, for that matter)—no, she’s not. This alone was enough for me to make my decision; however, the longer I stayed away from social media, the more essential this became.
When most people are referring to the power behind the screen, they are referring to cyberbullies or protest or racists bots. But that’s not what I mean here. I mean that if you scrolled through my twitter feed, there would be nothing that I would be ashamed of, but I doubt I would just start talking about those things casually (ex: white mediocrity).
Unfortunately, and sometimes unknowingly, I take off some of those identities or hide some of those opinions when I emerge from behind the screen. I also recognized that certain identities and opinions were much more heightened from behind the screen than they actually are. (I’m coming back for that)
So when I think about my decision to abstain from social media, I removed that barrier and who emerges?
In the Digital Leadership Network’s #SocialMediaSoWhite discussion, the topic of authenticity within your digital identity appeared a lot—what does it mean to be authentic? How do professionals of color display authenticity in their online presence, etc? In a conversation with one of my supervisors, he challenged me by asking “First, what is authenticity?”. Originally I was a little taken aback by this because authenticity on a basic level is what is real, what is accurate, and what is true. BUT, what is real, what is accurate, and what is true is different depending on the individual. He reminded me that I will likely never forget who I am and how I show up (as a Black woman) even if/when others do–so what is real, accurate, and true for me (in my identity) may be lost on others. I had never considered authenticity as relative.
Either way, I was not showing up authentic—and relative or not—I knew that.
Christ:
Time and Authenticity are great reasons to distance myself from social media, but at the center of this season is Christ—above all. The season of Lent is about reflection and sacrifice—it’s not just a challenge to see if I could do it. Doing it wasn’t actually hard—I removed the apps from my phone, gave my passwords to my Dyad, & let my supervisor know I wouldn’t have access to manage our professional social media accounts. That was easy!
But the season is about transformation. I wanted to change and grow intentionally closer to Christ. See here’s the thing about having a relationship with Jesus Christ—when you feel like it’s strained or distant, it is because you moved, not Him.
I knew that I was not where I wanted to be. I knew because being a believer was not showing up as my most salient identity. I—and others—were defining me as a Student Affairs professional (which I am), a Black woman (which I also am), a millennial, a feminist, an ally (again, all things that I am).
But before all of those things, I am a believer in God. I am a believer in the unity of God as Christ in three persons: the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I am a believer of the resurrection of Christ and the salvation of His word.
Furthermore (but not more than), I am a devout member of the African Methodist Episcopal (AME) Church. Yes, I was born and raised AME, but this is not by my parents’ pronouncement. My parents—for various reasons (none of them negative, but not mine to share)—left the AME church when I was in middle school. After a very difficult discussion—I advocated (begged—because I didn’t really know what advocating was at that age) to be “allowed” to worship separately at St. Andrew. After my dad received orders to move (military), I attended St. Andrew AME Church for almost 5 years by myself! My mom and sister joined later, but I am almost positive that they were not there when I personally prayed the prayer of salvation.
The AME Church has a special and unique place in my heart and as I grow older and more dedicated, I appreciate it even more.
But why? Why is my relationship with Christ not appearing as my most salient identity?
Because I wasn’t making it one.
There are a lot of things that I can and will talk openly and freely about. Black lives?—they matter! Love?—is Love! Women’s rights?—are human rights!
Well, Jesus?—He saves! God?—is not dead! That’s real to me. And I haven’t said that enough or shared that enough or allowed God to work through me enough!
As I stepped away from social media, I did a lot of reflecting (trust me, there are at least 5 other blogs written that will never make it to this site). I read a lot of devotionals and I did a lot of praying. And what was revealed to me was this—
- Faith is illogical.
- We don’t discuss how we feel spiritually.
When I say faith is illogical, I don’t mean that it isn’t something I believe in. I believe (we already went over that)! But faith calls for you to believe in something and someone that you cannot see and cannot touch. Faith will allow you to confess that which He can before He does. Faith is God giving us impossible visions (visions that some folks will also consider illogical), so that when the vision is manifested, He receives all the glory! Faith is not always sharing what God has revealed to you in private until He allows it to manifest. Faith is having a spirit of discernment that no one else understands. Faith (and grace) is applying to FSU’s PhD program while people are encouraging you to take a class first or retake the GRE and ignoring them because that’s not what God told you to do. Yes, I talked with God first (see—I spoke to someone I cannot see—illogical). Even though I just tried, faith is something that I cannot explain. So as an educator, it’s hard for me to discuss something that is illogical for fear of appearing ignorant. BUT if I show up as a believer first, and then educator—fear not!
Discussing spiritually is easy when I am talking to my brothers and sisters that I grew up with at the Saint. Calling up my mom is no big deal—she’s praying for me so much that she probably already knows what’s up. But ever since leaving the Saint, I can only recall one person asking me how I spiritually felt about a decision. I was so caught off guard that I have no idea how I even answered. And even then, I did not know how I felt. I was making a poor decision and it was like Christ himself was speaking through this person (that does happen—illogical, I know). Since being on this social media sabbatical, he and I have discussed how I spiritually feel more often (perhaps because he’s the one that changed my passwords), but also because he is genuinely a kind and compassionate human and I am beginning to show up as a believer.
But showing up as a believer does not mean that the journey is smoothly paved…
How’d it go?
So when you decide to devote yourself to a spiritual transformation, one should acknowledge that it’s not going to be comfortable. It’s like working out to lose weight—it’s going to be painful. You’re going to be pushed out of your comfort zone. You’re going to need to stretch and recuperate. Your body (for this particular analogy) is going to hurt.
The first three weeks were great! I was reading a lot. I felt positive about the way in which I spent my time. My personal life was happy and I was “managing my emotions” professionally.
I knew it was coming, but I still do not think I could have prepared or expected for it to be as painful as it was. Let me be clear—GIVING UP SOCIAL MEDIA WAS NOT PAINFUL! But my mind, and my spirt were unsettled, unsteady, and anxious.
My professional life was wrecked. I was wrecked. I was unhinged.
I cried multiple times a day. I felt as if everything I was doing was inadequate and detrimental. I let anger and frustration get the best of me. I felt like what I was doing was insignificant. I could not grasp control and I felt as if I could not flee. Being accepted in the PhD program began to feel like a burden because I was stuck. I did not feel as if there was a single circumstance that I could change.
On the day before what would later be the worst day of my professional career (to date—I have no doubt that other days will come), my mom had to call me at 5AM (Eastern Time—so 4AM for her) and prayed that I would at least get out of bed and make it through the day. The next day shook me to a trembling panic attack. Obligated—I collected myself and returned to my responsibilities.
The last time I felt so unable to control my circumstances—I gave up. I don’t regret removing myself but this time, I wanted to persevere. But the very thing that I wanted more than anything—felt like a burden. I called my mom and told her that I could not do it—that I was not capable. I was letting this break me.
But my mom, and an incredibly dynamic women’s conference at my new Tallahassee church, New Mount Zion AME reminded me of not only Who is capable, but Who is in control. I purchased a ticket to this conference almost three weeks prior and I remember telling my mom “It’s only $15. If I go, cool—if I am too tired when the date gets here, I just won’t go.” I undoubtedly believe that God knew exactly what I would need. Pastor Sharon Riley of Agape Perfecting Praise and Worship Center preached on relinquishing control, remaining present, protecting what God has given to me, and staying until His mercy is manifested. It was as if the message was crafted and delivered just for me (God can and will do that too—illogical, I know).
The journey ultimately ended higher than I could have imagined. I relinquished control and began calling on the One who can change each and every situation. I began worshipping from the moment my eyes open each morning. Though I have a bible and a devotional at home, I began carrying one of each around. I am comforted by His word and His grace. I allow Christ to manage my emotions and I value finding something good in each day to encourage me to come back the next.
I was reminded on Resurrection Sunday that the transformation is not meant for destruction, but for development.
As I plug back into the world, it is my hope to that I am uplifted by what God requires of me. But just because this season has ended, that sacrifice has been received, and my professional life has been reconditioned, does not make me exempt from future tests, trials, and tribulations, but it does make me equipped. While it may appear illogical, God doesn’t remove His thorn, but He reminds us of His grace—His grace that is and will continue to be sufficient. It’s not illogical, it’s divine.
Not Your Average Pearson 