2018 was a year of wins & sins. Here’s the highlight—
1. Win — New Phone, Who Dis?
So I don’t really have to ask “who’s this?” because the cloud transfered all my numbers, but I did get a new phone. I ended 2017 and began 2018 by changing my cell phone number. Why?
- I have had the same number since 7th grade—so this was a huge adjustment in creating boundaries and limiting who has access to me.
- An administrator emailed my cell phone number to our whole department without asking if I was comfortable with that level of access to me distributed to colleagues who did not need such immediate contact.
- Side note—yes, my colleagues do need my mobile number. But asking first and clarifying the purpose is more appropriate.
- Someone from my alma mater provided my cell number to undergraduate student who needed access to a student government document that could have been requested via email. I work in student affairs—my public email is google-able.
- And last, but certainly not least. Around the holidays, there’s always jokes about your high school/hometown baes finessing their way into your inbox, but when you’ve truly had past relationship that was toxic & manipulative, that erratic and superfluous communication can be harmful and detrimental to your healing process. So yes, I changed my number so that on and off again situationship that wasted almost 5 years coming in and out of my life whenever he wanted could end. The peace of mind that comes from knowing that I’m not going to roll over at 3AM in the morning to some random profession of affection is worth every digit.
Changing my phone number was a new level of accountability for me and everyone in my life.
2. Win — Taking Up For Myself
Learning to take up for myself was hard. When I was bullied in elementary school my sister knocked a kid upside his head with a hair brush once and I fought back resulting in a suspension from my school bus. When I was in college and every racist asshat in Mississippi hated the fat, black homecoming queen that removed Colonel Reb from their precious personality election ballot, I stayed quiet and pretended sticks and stones couldn’t break my bones. But when you’re an adult and operating in professional environment, taking up for yourself is a matter of survival and I have learned (FINALLY) that a lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect and what you allow is what will continue so here’s to this year’s top “Taking Up for Myself” moments:
- Asserting that my body & my appearance (tattoos and my choice of hair style) isn’t up for my colleagues’ unwarranted opinions.
- Acknowledging your colleagues’ presence in a professional environment isn’t and shouldn’t be optional.
- My value isn’t determined by anyone’s cost benefit analysis and I won’t have anyone telling that it is.
- Voicing when the actions of my institution are not aligning with my personal and professional values and conversing more about ways in which we (collectively as an institution) can and should do better.
This wasn’t easy and none of those conversations were glamorous. But when I think back on these moments, I am proud of myself—proud that I had a say in how I allowed people to treat me. This past year at our Annual NODA conference, a panelist said, “You don’t have to respect someone to be respectful” and when he said these words, I was immediately validated—sometimes you must have to remind people how to respect you.
3. Sin — Apathetic
In an effort to create some intentional boundaries, redefine some relationships, and manage my emotions, I became apathetic. That’s not me. I have never really been person to say, “I don’t care,” but more than once, I found myself distant and I didn’t even notice. I would just move-in (which is something I needed to learn to do, but not this way). It wasn’t until a friend of mine asked me a question that I 100% should have known the answer to (and at one point did know the answer to) and I didn’t know. I had become so disinterested that I forgot. I forgot about things that were important in other people’s lives. I decided not to care and not only is that not who I am, it’s not who I want to be. While boundaries, defined relationships, and managing my emotions are all things I still aspire for, I can and will do better.
4. Win — 2018 OLs
I could write an entire blog on how the 44 (yes, 44—that’s intentional) 2018 Orientation Leaders gave me my best (to date) year as a Student Affairs professional, but I wouldn’t do it justice. I don’t know if I will ever be able to articulate the love, the growth, the strength, the resilience, the passion, the work ethic, or the energy of this team. Even now, trying to encapsulate how much they mean to me is making me overwhelmed with emotion. I know that I am still a young SA Pro & I have many more years and teams ahead of me (& I am so excited about that), but to the 2018s—I love you, I appreciate you, & keeping going BTS!
5. Win —NASPA FL & NASPA Region III New Professional of the Year
When I was in graduate school, I used to think that anyone that won an award from a professional association (NODA, NASPA, ACPA, etc) must be doing some next-level, dismantle the system, educational transformational work! I really thought anyone who won one of these awards was the next Secretary of Education (I am sure you’re all more qualified than Betsy, so maybe I wasn’t far off). And really these things aren’t on my professional development plan (which is extensive, btw) so I was a lot caught off guard. But what got me the most wasn’t the day I found out that I had won, but the day I was notified that I would be nominated by my institution.
The day before, I came to work unable to pull myself together. Anyone that knows me knows I am a crier and I can’t help it. But usually I can keep it together (or fake it) until I plan or schedule time for an emotional breakdown. But this day—I couldn’t keep it together. A classmate of mine (& former friend) had unexpectedly died. I had not spoken to him since I was 20 and honestly, I didn’t think of him much. But like most people, I saw him on Facebook and he seemed to be doing incredibly well. Without disclosing why our friendship ended, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be distraught, but I was. I saw him as achieving everything he wanted. When you’re in undergrad, everyone is talking about what they want to do—degrees that they want to obtain & careers that want to pursue—and so when you’re 25 and doing it, it’s kind of wild. But when their life is cut short—then what? What do we do when we seem to have everything we wanted accomplished and then it’s over?—that sent me home for a day of retreat that I’ve rarely told anyone about. I cried a lot and contemplated my own life and purpose.
I went back to work the next day & a colleague from our VPSA’s office was in my office letting me know about the nomination. I can’t say it didn’t make me feel good, but more importantly—it reminded me that the next level, dismantle the system, educational transformational work is in what we invest in each individual student in whatever moment they need.
6. Sin — Not Prioritizing Self-Care
This past year, I talked with our team about the difference between the self-care buzzword and self-preservation. I highlighted how self-care was stuff like getting your nails done, but self-preservation was eating daily and getting the appropriate amount of sleep. We talked about self-preservation from a Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs perspective. And tbh—I talked a good talk, but failed when it came to taking care of myself. I used to be a proud boaster of my “push through.” During interviews for the 2018 OLs, I suffered through the flu and a really bad skin infection. In grad school, I had major surgery and returned to school and my assistantship within a week. So the reality is—I’m fake and I didn’t practice self-care or self-preservation.
Missing orientation has really not been an option (by choice or profession) for me since 2011. So when this abdominal pain snuck up, I brushed it off. For about a week and a half, I pretended I was fine. I took a ridiculous amount of ibuprofen (not good for abdominal pain, btw—learned that the hard way) and kept it pushing. It wasn’t until the image of me being rolled out in ambulance in front of 1400 orientation participants and my 18s became a little too embarrassing that I finally gave in. I spent 2 days in our local hospital and the remainder of the week at home with an aggressive and untreated case of colitis (digestive disease characterized by inflammation of the inner lining of the colon). My analogy for the amount of pain I was in is inappropriate, so I’ll leave it at “It hurt A LOT.”
I am grateful for supportive supervisors and team as well as friends and my incredible mother who was in Tallahassee by the time my CT scan came back. But the reality is, I should have left work way before I did. As painful as colitis was, it reminded me that the world (or orientation) won’t dismantle without me. It is okay to slow down and prioritize your wellness.
7. Win—Secured the Bag
One of the things I struggle with tremendously in Student Affairs is the lack of conversation around compensation. I know so little about this that when the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) guidelines were changing, I found myself confused and really frustrated with myself for not know the right questions to ask. However, I am thankful for my professional mentors that not only were able to provide some clarity but were also willing to converse with me honestly about compensation and patience.
While it’s not always about the amount one is being compensated, I still hold that not discussing compensation is privileged and classist. When I received my first raise this year, I was abundantly grateful. And when I received my second raise, accompanied by my promotion, I was glad that I had remained resilient. Even though I have never doubted my decision to leave my first position within less than a year, at times I still discredited my ability to successfully navigate this field. My promotion this year reminded me that I am right where I am supposed to be and elevation won’t come overnight.
8. Sin – Inconsistent in Practice
I was talking to my mom a few nights ago and she said, “My faith does not falter.” She was describing that her belief in Christ as our Savior that is always present and how she isn’t unsure of His grace. Her sentiments resonated with me because I am also certain as to where my help comes from and Who is molding my life. I am unapologetically sure, but in full transparency—I am not always mindful or intentional. While God has been better than good to me in 2018, I didn’t spend enough time praising and thanking Him. I would plead with Him when I needed to get through a challenging week but wouldn’t thank Him when I made it. I paid my tithes online but wouldn’t go to church. I could blame it on being tired or having too much to do, but not investing more in that relationship has been my best let down of 2018.
I recently feel in love with a song by Steven Malcolm called “Even Louder” and one of the most powerful lines in the song is “The bigger depression hits, the louder my praise gets” and for 2019, it’s time for me to be even louder.
2018 had more wins than sins and made me a little apprehensive about entering 2019, but last night, my pastor brought in the new year with the notion of winning, so I look forward to continued triumph. Here’s to 2019!
Not Your Average Pearson 