I sat in a meeting today…

I have sat in a lot of meetings since my last run. Whether it is an organization leadership meeting, staff meetings, affinity spaces, or training with my students–I have sat in a lot of meetings. There’s no doubt that a lot of other Black women have also sat in a lot of meetings as well. 

I am a full face and hair always done type of woman–I joke with my students about this alot. I laugh about how  rarely they will see me without a full face of make-up and a fresh thermal press and color. It’s for me and I like to look the way I like to look. However, COVID-19, quarantine, and working from home has brought on a new level of comfortability in headbands, ponytails & buns, sports bras and leggings. Essentially whatever I worked out in that morning is what you’re getting all day… 

I show up! It’s one of my favorite things about myself. I get my job done and I do it well. Is it performative sometimes?–absolutely! But I get it done. In my last blog, I reflected on how I was stopped by a police officer on my run the day after George Floyd was murdered. Following my encounter with this police officer, I showed up to 15 meetings over the course of 3 days without anyone noticing and having only told my mom and 1 other colleague. I showed up. I showed up for my students, for my staff, for colleagues, & for myself–cause I’ll be damned if you call me weak. I showed up–so I don’t think it’s irrational to ask you to show up too… 

But I am not asking you to just show up to the meeting–I need you to show up for me! 

I sat in a meeting today that I was already worried about & I showed up anyway!

I sat in a meeting today already knowing that I felt invisible! 

I sat in a meeting today uncomfortability aware of the silence! 

I sat in a meeting today feeling less than about myself!

I sat in a meeting today feeling less than about my work! 

I sat in a meeting today watching myself! 

I’ve cried in a lot of meetings. Even before COVID-19 & working from home, crying in meetings has always made me feel weak. I used to have a sticky note taped to my computer at work that read “Grow up–DO NOT CRY!” 

As I started to cry in this meeting, I turned my screen off & thought–that’s one thing I can feel thankful to COVID for. 

And then, I decided–turn your screen back on! Look at my pain! See my tears! CARE! PLEASE CARE! I am giving you every opportunity to care–to say something! Say something! 

LOOK AT ME! 

I sat in a meeting today that looked at me, through my crying eyes, and erased me. 

I sat in a meeting today where I felt and was invisible–not because I didn’t have my screen on, but because no one showed up for me…

I sat in a meeting where I had to remind MYSELF that BLACK WOMEN are here, visible, & matter! 

DO YOU SEE ME? MY SCREEN IS ON! 

I’m putting my pain on display. I am showing my face. I am using my words. 

CAN YOU HEAR ME? 

I sat in a meeting today & I have nothing left…